As this month's Lifted newsletter is published, I will celebrate eleven years of marriage to my wonderful wife. Along the way, we've both grown, matured and changed. Ironically, there are times when she is more like I was some years ago; and today I have adopted many of her viewpoints and some of her personality has rubbed off on me.

But, becoming a husband is one of life's odd little conundrums. It all begins when some guy now pronounces you "man and wife." No matter how much pre-marital counseling you attend, what books you read or classes you go to, reading about it and talking about it can't really prepare you for living it. And then there comes experience: you never have it until just exactly after you need it. In eleven years, we've traveled the United States, built a home, started careers, made new friends and shared adventures. We have also shared pain, disappointment and loss. And when it comes to keeping a marriage strong, I've learned of a few valuable traits that spouses need to find in each other.

Friendship
Once, I thought that I wanted a career as a military officer. So, when I was in college, I started out in the Army Reserve. After I came out of Basic Training, I started referring to my then-fiancé, Melissa, as my "battle-buddy." It's a term they use in the army. Among all the things they issue you at boot camp, you get a new best friend called a "battle-buddy" and each of you is responsible for the other. For me and my wife, this doesn't mean that we are joined at the hip never doing individual activities. But, when considering someone as a possible mate, consider whether this person has what it takes to be a "battle buddy." You support each other, you pray for each other, and when necessary, you hold each other accountable. This isn't just an army thing. This is what the Bible commands all Christians to do for one another. If you're dating someone seriously, consider what kind of "battle buddy" this person would be.


Emotional Stability
This covers a lot of things from carrying emotional baggage to just plain sanity. Movies make the brooding guy with the dark past or the damsel in distress that desperately needs rescuing seem cool and sexy. However, if a person can't find satisfaction in who they are, no one else can bring it to them. Also on this note of stability, many people pay lip service to honesty, but for a certain level of honesty, a person must feel comfortable with the other party. It's hard to be totally open with someone who's critical, or who can't accept changes without seeing them as disasters. Somewhere along the journey, we will all change. And it doesn't take a mid-life crisis for us to want to change course. A few years ago, a co-worker of mine who was a paramedic, quit his job and went to medical school. No doubt before making that decision, he and his wife had a long discussion. That doesn't mean that every new idea is a good idea and should be pursued. But, I've overheard too many people who said that they couldn't talk to their significant other about something or other. If you feel you can't talk to the other person about something, maybe this isn't the person for you. Likewise, if the other person can't broach certain subjects with you, think about whether you're right for each other.

Space
In my humble opinion, this seems to be more of a man thing than a woman thing. But that's just my observation. Maybe it's because of the popularity of the so-called "man cave." Some guys have boats. Others use the garage, the basement or the den. I even know of one fellow with an out-building in the back yard that he refers to as "the dog house," as in "I'm in the dog house again." Maybe these spaces are used to display some of our personal trophies that just wouldn't fit anywhere else. But moreover, they're just space. I can't speak for all men but I don't think most of us want to intentionally shut our wives out. However, everyone I know that has a "space" says that's where he goes to think. For me, I'm a walker. I tend to think better when I'm moving. Whether it's working out my next article for Lifted or trying to plan my work week, I usually start with a walk through our neighborhood and have it settled by the time I get back to my truck.

Fellowship
Finally, this is what we all need. It's not just friendship. God wants us to be in fellowship with Him and with each other. God enjoys us. He wants us to enjoy Him. And, He wants us to enjoy each other. Appreciate who your mate is as a person and his or her talents. The best way to do this is to just talk. Talk about childhood experiences, your hopes for the future, or just talk about a book you've read.

In conclusion, my wife has been a grand blessing and gift from God to me. Here's to many more. I love you, Baby.